Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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