if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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