She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
