oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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