My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
