I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You took a bar mat shot.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
