Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize