i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
