I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
