He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
