I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize