A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
