What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
