so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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