the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
