You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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