Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
