I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Randomize
