come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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