You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
