I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize