not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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