I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
