That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
