So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
