I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
high people should be assigned attendants
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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