That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
