She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
