Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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