dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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