My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
