Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
