I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
