im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Alive.
So much puke
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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