can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
