when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
