U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
