If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize