for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
