i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
