When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
