Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
