so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so let's talk penis.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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