I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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