someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
