Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
love makes seman taste better
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
