i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
