Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
