my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
