Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
