does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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