she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Someone came in the potted fern
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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