Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
