my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
