What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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