Your face is a jimmy john
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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