i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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