He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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