Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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